Dear Tiger, — Round 1 Recap of Memorial

Dear Tiger,

As I poured my cup of coffee and fried my egg, I sat in front of the tv ready to watch that old Tiger all us golf fans are ready to see.  You are so close, us the people and you know it sounding confident in your press conferences.  And, the field of golfers you play with are starting to shit their pants you can even smell it. As you started off this morning on the back 9 of Jack’s place in Columbus the crowd roared, and you hear the obnoxious drunks at 8 am scream “get in the hole” from 500 yards out.  Tigers on the course.

You started with a par and it settled us all down as we thought, “Tigers going to have a good day.”  Then all hell breaks lose on your first 9. Bogey on 11, then double on 15, and to make it worse another bogey on 16.  By this point, I was about to take my morning dip out and go back to sleep.  You’re lucky you birdied 17 and pared 18 to go into the turn.  (By the way does anyone know why they started on the back 9 to begin this tournament?)

At this point you were sitting 3 over as the leader was at 7 under.  But, as all of us ignorant Tiger fans are we keep watching, hoping for that glimpse of pussy killing machine Tiger to come back from this hole he dug himself.  And then it came, birdie on 2, dumbass 3 putt on an easy ass par 3 on hole 4 then, birdie, birdie, birdie, par, par. Tiger got out of his little Tiger snooze and picked it up on the turn to finish Even for the day.

Im not going to say you are back or you are going to win because its the first day of the tournament but, I’m happy with your performance and you are only 7 shots back from the leader.  Go do what you do.  By the way, go treat yourself at one of the stellar strip clubs they have in Columbus.

Sincerely, Tiger Fans

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