Quick intro that’s going to get straight to the point. In our lives, we’ve all tasted some pretty shitty things such as bad meat, bitter/awful sauces/condiments, or literal shit. I’ve been pretty unsatisfied lately in the taste category due to some of my most recent meals. But being the positive, up-beat guy that I am (I’m a dead soul walking around in a lifeless corpse. This is a cry for help. Someone please make me happy.), I’ve been trying to tell myself that the taste of these recent meals aren’t that bad, and I’ve definitely had worse. Then I started thinking “wow, what are the worst things that I’ve ever tasted?” I’ve been asking myself this question for close to 24 hours now, and I’m now ready to share my discoveries with you. Hopefully some of you will share your Top 5 with me. Let’s get started.
5. Buffalo Wild Wings Blazin Sauce
This is an oddball in the list, because if you’ve ever tasted these then you’ll know where I’m coming from. This is considered a Worst Taste, because it literally has NO taste. It’s way way way too hot/spicy for one’s taste bugs to even begin to formulate what has just been put in the mouth. When these wings are placed within 5 feet of your face, your body immediately starts having a reaction. Your nose begins to run, your eyes begin to cry, and your face begins pouring sweat. Watching someone eat these is the closest you’ll ever get to seeing the Jordan Peele Sweating Gif in real life.
These things should honestly be illegal. Surely to god the DEA can somehow step in and get these things blacklisted.
This is the most sour and bitter shit that you could ever put in your mouth. I have terrible memories with vinegar, and it’s due to bottles like the one pictured above. It was the summer of 2009, and I was 11-years old. It was approximately 91 degrees outside on this day in July, and I just finished putting my nuts on the back of my neighbors head on a put back dunk. Posterizing people really makes you thirsty, so I ran inside really quick to grab a bottle of water. I walked into the house, and I heard this SICCCCKKKKKK ass song on MTV (yeah, they were playing music? Weird), so I stopped and watched the music video for a second. “Wow, this song is an absolute banger! I’m going to finish listening/watching this music video after I get my bottle of water.”-thought in my head. Well, due to how good the song is/was, I got distracted and just reached into the refrigerator and grabbed the first clear bottle I saw. I rushed back to the TV to finish watching the music video, and that’s when I cracked the bottle and took a big gulp. I immediately choked, due to the taste/shock that it wasn’t water. I glanced on the bottle, and being the advanced 11-year old that I was, I used my reading ability to sound out vin-e-gar. I’d never heard of it, since my parents love me dearly and never exposed me to it. But I decided right then and there, that vinegar would now be my arch nemesis for as long as I lived. Oh, and by the way, here’s the song that caused the distracted me. Surely you’ll understand how hard it is to stay focused with this blaring in the background.
3. A1 Sauce
Steak is good. Steak is glorious. However, if you get your steak cooked past medium, then you don’t deserve to eat steak. And if you have the audacity to put devil sauce on steak, then you should be imprisoned and forced to serve a life sentence of torture and humility. I don’t really have anything left to say about this sauce, other than it literally tastes like trash. I could maybe develop a list of punishments you should face if you’re caught using this sauce, but I won’t do that here. Just request the list privately and I’ll get it to you.
2. Brat Burgers
Not too brag or anything, but I’m a bit of a grill master. I enjoy the peaceful thoughts that grilling brings me, since I’m a guy, and I love making delicious food for me and my boys. S/O to the boys. Well, one day this summer, my good friend Mitchell convinced me into buying brat burgers. Usually I grill brats AND burgers, so his convincing argument was I could combine the two and save time. If you know me, then you know that I care way more about time than anything. Hell, even more than money. You can get money back, but you can’t get time back. So we bought the brat burgers, and I still haven’t forgiven Mitchell. And trust me, they weren’t bad because of me. I’m the best cook/grillmaster that I know, so again it’s not my fault. It HAS to be the mix of the brat and burger that causes the god awful taste. Here’s a direct quote from my ex-friend Mitchell, since I just texted him asking for him to describe the taste of these awful, awful things.
Mitchell on if the Brat Burger was undercooked by .5 seconds- “Like eating a raw brat that was ran over by a car.”
Mitchell on if the Brat Burger was overcooked by .5 seconds- “Roadkill.”
They’re impossible to make perfectly, and if you do make them perfectly, then the taste really isn’t all that satisfying either. Just go ahead and buy the brats and burgers separately, your quality of life will be much better
This is #1 due to bad memories. Back in middle school, I always chewed on my School ID/Lanyard. Some kind of attention deficit shit is always causing me to have something in my mouth (no, that’s not supposed to sound gay) so I can focus. If nothing is in my mouth, then my mind wanders. Or I just talk non-stop like an asshole. Well chewing on this ID/Lanyard was really really nasty, since it’d get covered in slobber. Plus I dropped that S.O.B. everywhere around school, so there were germs like a mother fucker up and down that thing. My fellow classmates and my teachers were pretty disgusted by this, since I was just walking around with a lanyard covered in germs and my own spit. To keep me from putting this in my mouth anymore (haha), my teacher decided to put the entire thing in a bottle of Germ-X. Well me being the stubborn and stupid asshole that I am, I decided that this Germ-X wouldn’t stop me. I stared her in the eyes, and gladly put the lanyard back in my mouth….and then started to cringe because believe it or not, Germ-X doesn’t taste all that great. Anytime I see Germ-X now, I’m reminded of the god awful taste that I can’t even describe. But what I’m reminded of the most, is just how stupid and ignorant I am. Unfortunately, I was made this way for a reason. One day I’ll find out why. But until then, I shall continue to eat the Germ-X (metaphorically).